10 Signs that tell you you’re too old for backpacker hostels

Contrary to Namibia, where we camped in the wild or on campsites most of the times, here the offer of campsites in the cities that we visited is limited. So we have spent a lot of time in backpacker hostels where we parked on the parking lot and used the kitchen and shower facilities in the lodge.

Let’s not pretend that there aren’t some very attractive upsides to the ‘Old Bridge’, the ‘Red Bananas’ and the ‘Riverlodge Backpackers’s of this world. A few examples.

1. Backpackers lodges are great places for meeting people and party a bit. They are mostly packed with open, friendly people from all over the world, looking for a good time and eager for contact. The lodges have bars where nice music plays and you sometimes can plug in you own iPod if you are friendly with the bartender. The beer is cheap and you can sit down with anyone and exchange crazy travel stories. On rainy days, you can chill out on the (bug hosting) couches in front of a tv or lose yourself online. Uncomplicated, easy.

2. It’s cheap. Although not at price level of Ethiopia or Uganda, it’s still cheaper than official campsites or midrange lodges that are designed for hosting overlanders. You can cook your own meal in the communal kitchen and you’re allowed to bring your own wine. Beer is a different story though, you have to buy that in the bar at a reasonable price but the friendly personnel tends to look the other way when you put your own cans on the table.

3. There is always crazy, juicy stuff going on. Whether it is having drinks with a traveler who is agonizing over his believe that he might be HIV positive after some horizontal pursuits with local women, or people are suddenly walking around in penguin costumes (after they lost beer pong), there is stuff happening. For example when I passed the showers when going to the toilet one night, I saw a foot sticking from under the door. I thought ‘maybe this guy needs help. He might have slipped, or be so drunk that he can’t carry himself to bed’. So I peaked under the door. But then I saw two pair of feet, one from a guy, one from a woman. I saw legs and hands moving and what was that? Ah, his scrotum. Gross. I guess nobody needed help here. I smiled and walked out silently.

The other night, when we left our hostel in Maputo, we walked in on a scene starring a tattooed male tourist in wife beater shirt fighting with a beautiful, scarcely dressed Mozambican woman. Or rather: she screamed at him and pulled his arms and shirt, he looked helplessly at some men standing on the side. We wondered what was going on. But her statement “If you [****] me, you have to pay!” and his avoiding answer “I’m not paying anything. Guys, please help me to get rid of this woman”, said it all. Somebody dipped his fingers in the honey jar and was looking for a cheap way out.

But, after this journey, we would seriously reconsider ever setting foot in a backpackers again. Why? We’ll explain.

1. You are queuing for one of the 2 toilets in a hostel with 40 beds

All these nice old buildings in which hostels are often located have large rooms, but little space for bathing facilities. So it often happens that there are only 2 or 3 toilets for many guests. It always gives me a bit of a stressed feeling in the morning when I have to go urgently but first climb down in the bus, walk to the facilities and then wait in line. Everything is worse of course when they combine toilet and shower behind one door.

2. You turn around for a split second and somebody confiscates the only good knife you were working with

Getting around in a communal kitchen can be a challenge. They are often not well equipped in the sense that there are only 2 gas pits working (and three people are waiting in line with their pasta pan), no spoons or cutting boards. In that case we use some of our own stuff from the bus. But, you can’t watch your belongings every second when cooking. And sometimes when you have just prepared your Tefal pan, knives and rasp, some vulture seizes the opportunity and takes one of your essentials to the dorm and secretly does his own preparations there. Can be a quest to get your property back.

3. You are fighting the cleaning lady over the remote control

Safe to say that cleaning ladies in Africa can show different work ethics than those in Europe. They slouch from room to room and they make many breaks or stop for chatting, making coffee or just hanging around on a couch and watch television. And they love their (Nigerian) soaps. So much, that when you ask after half an hour if you can maybe watch something else, you are likely to hear a firm ‘no’.

4. A bar is fine, but can’t they just close it at 11 pm?

The bar is where things are happening, where you get in touch with people and where you can enjoy criticizing others for playing childish games like beer-pong (incl. the loser having to run around the table naked). All good. But why on earth can’t they just turn down the music at a normal time? Can a person please get some sleep around here?!

5. The owner asks you to feed the begging dog at the table

Dogs. We like them, but rather not have them around when they are smelly, leave their hairs on the couch or lick your legs when they are begging for food at the table. We never support this behavior and my guess would be that when you open any dog-training book, chapter 1 tells you that when you give the dog something to eat from the table, the begging only gets worse. So you can imagine our annoyance when, after ignoring the large dog for 20 minutes during breakfast, the lodge owner walks up to us and asks if we would be so kind as to take something from our plates and feed the dog. No thank you.

6. When other guests regard rinsing dishes with only cold water as clean

People from all over the world have different understandings of what is clean. For us, it means washing the dishes with liquid, scrub thoroughly with a clean sponge and rinse with hot water. For others, it means holding the plate under the cold water, using their fingers as sponge and completely ignore the dish washing liquid. Gross. So when we use dishes in communal kitchens, we tend to wash everything before and after using it.

7. Sure we offer electricity and Wifi. Just not now.

Southern Africa is still Africa and therefore electricity and internet are not reliable. When you ask upon checking in whether they have both facilities, the answer is always “sure, no problem, it’s working”. But as soon as you can’t get online, the comment is “Yes, we have Wifi but it is just not working now. Maybe tomorrow.” Or, “No power? Yes, we have outages every few hours. A generator? Off course not. Why?” Never mind us asking, silly indeed.

8. When all conversations are a variation on the chewed up theme ‘where are you from & how long have you been traveling?’

Guilty, we also tend to start a conversation with your typical where, when & whats. But then it is nice when both parties make an effort to change to somewhat more original or different topics. It doesn’t have to be groundbreaking stuff. Just having a talk about a good book you just read, discuss the current Crimea situation or getting tips from a colleague manager on how to divide time between team members is very refreshing.

9. Being the only one not having beer as breakfast

When you sit in the eating area at 9 o’clock in the morning and you are the only one behind a bowl of muesli and yoghurt and people around you are having beer or Savannah’s as breakfast, it can give you a bit of an outsider feeling.

10. When at 9:30 in the morning there is still no toilet paper on the still dirty toilets

Need I say more?

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PS: Thanks Mickies for sending me my stuff! It was a lifesaver.